My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
that’s really how it is
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.