My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
That earthquake could have been an email.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time