If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.