[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”