Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit