Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
12653.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
pls suprot
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.