I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Was it something I said?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.