my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
You Might Also Like
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
This cat wants you to take your pills
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.