You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
You Might Also Like
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
the clam before the storm
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Check your privilege
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.