Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
the short answer to this question
Mad Max Arctic Road
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”