I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.