[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut