If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Buck naked
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: