Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”