Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.