“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You Might Also Like
My teenage children choosing violence
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
A man of commitment.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.