Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people