I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
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If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock