Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt