I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
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Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?