Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.