It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…