My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.