“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while