It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My life in a nutshell
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.