Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You Might Also Like
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’d love this…lol
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.