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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.