When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*