Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
They did not miss in the small print
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Them: You should try keto
Me:
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.