sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
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Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”