SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.