HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.