burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
this could fix me
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki