“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.