“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
i made a craigslist ad !
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
*watches the world burn*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.