me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot