Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
You Might Also Like
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Mistakes were made
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.