Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat