My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.