A small tragedy.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Well, shit
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*