RT if you know someone like this!!!
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Mornin
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”