Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Great acting.. 😂
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.