Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I was just discussing this with my cat
Those are good neighbors.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”