Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
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Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so