I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
True?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.