Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.