i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
me, after any kind of buffet.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about