Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.