Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Its a hippotatomus
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[eulogy]
line?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.