I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Nothing.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
notice
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”